..........Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20, 000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on baby, this Southern Girl needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared a each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."...............;) -------------------------

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started. Shut up. You know it's funny. -------------------------

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called." <---------------- ROFLMAO! ----------------------

Taking the dog for a walk... A little girl asked her Mom, " Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? " Mom replies, " No, because she is in heat. "What's that mean? "asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage. " The little girl goes to the garage and says, " Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you. " Dad said, " Bring Belle over here. " He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said " OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, " Where's Belle? " (YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! ) The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home. ------------------------

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. ----------------------

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY... LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY." I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER. MY KIDS ATE BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT. AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY, JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED. I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME." I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!" WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY. ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?" I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT." AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK." OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED. SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY". AND I JUST SAT THERE... ON THE COUCH... NAKED -------------------------

MEDICAL ANNOUNCEMENT Pfizer Corporation announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names "cocktails," "highballs", and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of...yep, you guessed it. "MOUNT & DO." -------------------------

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One. The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1, 000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy." The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make the whole world really happy." ------------------------

TEXAS AIR CONTROL TOWER Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R." Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised " Dallas ATC "Tower to Iran Air 711 -- You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R." Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great " Pause: Static............. Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC - DALLAS ATC" Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?" Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE. Dallas ATC: Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- ya hear? -------------------------